I have been living through an epiphany these last few weeks. I'm not so sure if it does qualify to be called that because it was more prolonged than instantaneous, crept up over me over a period of a few days. So just like any other adult trying to adult hard, I juggle quite a few balls. Forever trying to balance the capitalist, the artist and the athlete in me, among other roles. Many days feel like I'm playing catch-up with an evolved version of me which I see in my head but hasn't manifested yet. But I must persevere. For the same reason I feel even my social media algorithm has also changed to somewhat stoic content, often I see motivational content urging me to push through. Push through. I must push through. Like the MCs in my favorite anime shows going through their character development arc.
So one fine day I just entertained a trail of thought which kind of began at the point where I was just wondering that okay, I'm in my 30s now and I'm obviously grateful to have achieved a lot and amassed a little, lost some, gathered a lot, a lot of context and a lot of ambition. But there is still so much left to do. I also started to pattern recognise that I, being the daydreamer that I have been all my life, always cook up some or the other big dream scenarios in my head and it suddenly struck me that oh man like a lot of that life is yet to happen. Which is okay. I didn't really get anxious around that fact but I suddenly had this urge of wanting to make it happen sooner that it otherwise would and I started to think that hey this time is not going to come back as things really do compound. Time is unidirectional and passage thereof is irreversible. I don't want to miss out on today. I do have utmost faith in the process and that things take time but I don't want to lose out on the time that I have now because a day gone is a day gone. So no matter how scatterbrained it makes me look like I do want to go after all my dreams and all the aspirations across so many buckets. Its almost as if you have to chop and distribute 100 parts of you in different buckets(career, health, relationships, spirituality etc etc) on a daily basis but I would rather do that because time lost is truly opportunity lost and even with the most noblest of beliefs that everything that I desire in life is on its way to me, I still want to play the role of the protagonist.
And all this has led to a totally transformational course since then where I have suddenly started being hyperfixated on the present and as an added benefit just started enjoying the process a lot more. There has been a different energy, especially in workouts, as that's what is conceivably hard. As a competitive athlete, I typically end up doing 12 to 14 hours of training every week across a lot of sessions, more often than not two sessions per day. But now I no longer feel like I should do them or I have to do them or on some bad days I have to drag myself to do them etc but more of a feeling of I just don't want to miss an opportunity to be able to do a workout. It is such a big shift in the positive direction.
I'm making art again, I'm writing again, I'm trying for every meal to be the healthiest that it possibly could. I am feeling grateful for every workout, I now feel all the beats in my heart when the fitness tracker says my heart rate is 180. And for some of these things, I mean, there aren't any big goals that I have to deliver, so more than the eventual delivery of result in the future, I just want to enjoy my attempt to be able to do them. Enjoy the chance. The locus of control has moved from the future to the present.
There is no later. This is later.
The later is now.